Abandoning Facebook, Picking Out My Inaugural Gown(s)!

And of course there will be more than one dress I can't wear the same thing to The Stars and Stripes that I wear to the Carolina Cotillion, sheesh!

I also don't care that certain people (yes I'm looking right at you, Peggy N.) are jealous that I can fit into the "Miss Young Teen America Pageant" collection of ball gowns.

The pageant image consultant at First Lady Mart was really nice.  He and I laughed and laughed at how GOOD I would look in one of the tiaras.

I don't see what the big whoop is.

Working women unite!  Making arrangements for silver mining leases WAS MY ACTUAL JOB at the Congress, so of course I was willing to help out Tiffany's on that, they're AMERICAN after all.

People act like digging a hole in the ground to get some minerals and ores that are already THERE is stealing or something, geesh.   I was a very good customer of Tiffany's after that!  And zero percent interest was no skin off the store's teeth.  Tiffany's was just being nice.  Trust me, if we'd actually been charged $105,000 interest on my jewelry, Newtie might never have been able to pay off the principal, and where would THAT have left Tiffany's, huh?

Wait. What?

It's been a long, hard day.  It's alright.  I texted Miguel and he said that tomorrow he and I would just scoot our fannies down to the production office and fire up that shredder.

Newtie has that determined look he used to get when he wanted me to break out the rimming sugar.  "I want it and I'll have it" only this time it wasn't my tongue on his butthole it was the Presidency.  Don't say 'same diff' -- I don't feel like laughing right now.

I swear, Diary, it was The Donald who made him do it.  He kept going on and on about how if he didn't announce for real we'd be accused of "Trumping" and that is just something he couldn't face, not after getting kicked out of the House.   Honestly, you'd think they'd thrown his clothes on the lawn!  And speaking of clothes on the lawn, don't get me started about Wife Number 1.  The C word I think about her isn't "Catholic" --not even close.

More later. I have to get some Lexapro and some sleep, in that order!

It's all about listening to your inner voice.

But mostly, your inner voice should be talking about your hair.  I'm not even going to tell you how hard it was for us to lay low, Diary, while THE DONALD BALLOON floated over head.  Newtie said we should just be quiet and work the phones for more money, because no one was going to give Donald Trump a campaign contribution, (Duh!) and we really need the cash if we're going to fly first class through April of next year, when the winner-take-all contests start.

I knew, Diary, that The Donald would never make it as a candidate, because of his hair.

I just want to show Newtie's hair, because.  Compare THIS to the image of The Donald's combover that, I'm sure Diary, you and the rest of America have burned in your brain

Love his hair!!!!!!

So I have to tell you, Diary, that I've had some disagreeabilities with the consultant Newtie and I hired for the exploratory phase of the campaign.  

I told this consultant about my diary efforts.  He took a long sip of coffee and then looked at me and said, "That sounds like an excellent project for you, Callie.  Let me just stipulate that nowhere on your little blog is my name to appear, ever.  Otherwise I say go for it!"   I'm actually thinking of changing my perfume for the sake of our consultant, because every time we meet with him and I start gesturing my ideas he closes his eyes and pinches the top of his nose like it's either allergies or sinus.  I really don't dislike the guy and hate the idea that my signature scent is affecting his breathing.  

And while I can't post his name, he didn't say I couldn't post a picture of his "salt-and-pepper with a lily pad in front" hair.  Enough said.

You might think I'm being shallow and mean, Diary, but honestly this guy sometimes does not take me seriously.  I had a very good idea in our last meeting with him about the early primaries and caucuses.   I said we should pretty much skip Iowa and New Hampshire and spend most of our efforts in South Carolina, and then very business-like, I outlined three reasons that I had written down in advance in preparation to be ready:

A,  the white Republican male voter (Newt's favorite and vice-versa!), and also the weather there, are very reliable,

B, I can network with other political videographers at a much wider variety of privately-owned clubs, and

C, fundraising plus golf equals money, hello!

This consultant, who I will make up a blog name for later, looked at Newt for a really long time after I presented my plan.   Then NEWT thanked me!  As if I need to hear the words "thank you" from him!  Newtie's thank yous come in a robin's egg blue box, thank YOU very much, "Chad".

I guess I'm stuck with having to go along and get along.  Newtie says "we're lucky to have this guy.  He left an unpaid internship at The Heritage Foundation to be here, and he's only working for a percentage of the take, which is really pretty sweet, given what happened to Hillary."  Well, YEAH!   I guess that's putting a happy face on it, that we aren't in a position like the current State secretary to loan ourselves millions of dollars, huh.  I wonder if that's a business loss write-off.  When this campaign is over, I'm sending Mrs. C. the name of my stylist, because I  really do care what our country looks like to the rest of the world.  Loving America is my full-time job, even though these days it feels like my full-time job is tracking down Richard Mellon Scaife, LOL!    Back to the Blackberry!

A Project in the works!

I've been thinking, Diary, about what I can do after my stint as America's First Lady, or, you know, maybe sooner, if need be.  The perfect thing would be for me to go one better than both that Sarah Palin AAAAND Michelle Obama in one grand show!

So I'm thinking my own TLC cooking show: creating sweet calorie-rich foods...wait for it... in the homes of big Republican donors!

Imagine!

A Reagan Cake for Rupert Murdoch.

Bar-B-Que Meatballs for Richard Mellon Scaife (if anyone has his cellphone number please please please text me!)

Bread Pudding a' la Newt for the Kochs.


Betcha I can get way better ratings on TLC than Miz Holly Moose Hunter.   And I'll also show Mrs. 'Let's Get Moving' (I mean, she needs to 'move' her behind to some Brazilian Butt Lift surgery stat) that real First Ladies don't eat 'healthy', because DUH they don't eat.   And hello prime time, I'm two years younger than both of them, with no embarrassing stretch marks to cover, so I can do a nice two-piece for the Donor Bundling Luau Season Finale!!!

Callista's Kitchen Rule Number One:  Cook to impress people who can write you checks, but never put anything in your mouth that makes you fat.

Just like old times!

Okay okay I DID get under the desk when Newtie and I were alone in the Speaker's chamber, just for a minute for old times' sake AS A JOKE!!!  We hardly had time for him to give into my core principles before he had to give his speech to the Freshman Class of 2010.  (Yes, that's a POLITICO link they've been sooo nice lately I want them to have ALL the props.)

But enough about that -- it was like old times but then again it was kind of NOT.  And Newtie didn't want to think about the parts after like the resignation and the fines and how Tom Delay went on Dancing with the Stars and is now out on probation.  A while ago I told Newtie I don't even remember what Tom did wrong and Newtie said "well Tom is a sumbitch but he's one of us, ha ha" and then he wanted to play Drill Here.    

Note to self:  I wonder if Tom could get us in touch with T. Boone Pickens.

_______

One other thing diary.  I'm keeping tabs on the other spouses in the so-called campaign and OMG can you BUHlieve what Mrs. Haley Barbour said!

(CNN)- The wife of Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour says she is "horrified" that her husband is seriously considering a bid for the presidency.

In an interview with CNN affiliate WLOX in Biloxi, Marsha Barbour admitted the "overwhelming" task of a presidential run is something she may not quite be ready for.

"It's been a lot to be first lady of the state of Mississippi and this would be 50 times bigger," she said. "It's a huge sacrifice for a family to make."

The governor is still testing the waters of a potential bid for the 2012 Republican nomination and has made no formal announcement regarding his intentions.

But Marsha Barbour revealed she is wary of a 10-year commitment she believes would accompany a presidential run - and, presumably, two terms in office - during "the last part of our productive lives."

Despite her hesitation, Barbour said that the final decision is up to her husband.
"That's a commitment that I am praying about," she said.

"And if God and Haley decide to do it, I'm sure God will give me strength to be a good partner."

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.  

There are just a few important things a political wife needs to open her mouth for.   Pie-holing with CNN  about God's decisions isn't one of them.  

Also, the idea that it takes a lot to be the First Lady of Mississippi?  It obviously takes a lot of EATING, but beyond that you really can't complain, girlfriend.   

Trust me, all Marsha "big ol' girl" Barbour really needs to get through a 2012 campaign is a tummy tuck and six weeks on Vicodin.  If Newtie weren't "running," I'd try to call her.    But sometimes, Diary, I'm too nice a person, and it gets me in trouble.  

Managing almost-a-campaign is hard!

Best Idea EVER.  CPAC had a "get your picture taken with The Gipper" photo booth!  It looks so real.  I wish Reince Priebus would answer his phone every once in a while, I would tell him to put one at the Republican Convention.  He really could use some advice on how to honor Reagan more at these things, it's pathetic.  I mean, I would let the RNC run my documentary, Ronald Reagan, Rendevous with Destiny at a very reduced rate.

As you know, Diary, I'm acting as Newtie's kind of campaign manager, and it's been so hard.  Social media is just as bad as mainstream media.  First, my twitter account, MrsGingrich3, got deleted because Twitter said I was impersonating a celebrity, hellooo!  All I did was give advice to some twitter girlfriend that if she fell off her chair laughing at my twitter feed, she should stay down there until her husband said get up, because there might be some jewelry in it for her.   Professing is NOT the same as impersonating, TwitterFail!

And just to show you I know what I'm talking about, here's a sample tweet:

Yes, the URL shop.newt.org was my idea.  #winning, duh!

And then Newtie deleted some old tweets, I mean why keep around reminders about Easter Candy and how fat Newtie used to be?  Besides, it's a matter of privacy.   The eggs I give and don't give to Newtie are 100% between me and Jenny Craig, and twitter can just stay out of it.

Newtie suggested we just go off of Twitter all together but I think it's like sort of running for President: it's kind of a pain, sure, but there is long-term marketing potential in it.  Besides, you can't be a leader without having lots of followers.  Over a million three, and that doesn't count Gingrich  Espanol, which was not my idea, but whatever.

Followup:  Great news!  We're back on Twitter, yay!