Abandoning Facebook, Picking Out My Inaugural Gown(s)!

And of course there will be more than one dress I can't wear the same thing to The Stars and Stripes that I wear to the Carolina Cotillion, sheesh!

I also don't care that certain people (yes I'm looking right at you, Peggy N.) are jealous that I can fit into the "Miss Young Teen America Pageant" collection of ball gowns.

The pageant image consultant at First Lady Mart was really nice.  He and I laughed and laughed at how GOOD I would look in one of the tiaras.

I don't see what the big whoop is.

Working women unite!  Making arrangements for silver mining leases WAS MY ACTUAL JOB at the Congress, so of course I was willing to help out Tiffany's on that, they're AMERICAN after all.

People act like digging a hole in the ground to get some minerals and ores that are already THERE is stealing or something, geesh.   I was a very good customer of Tiffany's after that!  And zero percent interest was no skin off the store's teeth.  Tiffany's was just being nice.  Trust me, if we'd actually been charged $105,000 interest on my jewelry, Newtie might never have been able to pay off the principal, and where would THAT have left Tiffany's, huh?

Wait. What?

It's been a long, hard day.  It's alright.  I texted Miguel and he said that tomorrow he and I would just scoot our fannies down to the production office and fire up that shredder.

Newtie has that determined look he used to get when he wanted me to break out the rimming sugar.  "I want it and I'll have it" only this time it wasn't my tongue on his butthole it was the Presidency.  Don't say 'same diff' -- I don't feel like laughing right now.

I swear, Diary, it was The Donald who made him do it.  He kept going on and on about how if he didn't announce for real we'd be accused of "Trumping" and that is just something he couldn't face, not after getting kicked out of the House.   Honestly, you'd think they'd thrown his clothes on the lawn!  And speaking of clothes on the lawn, don't get me started about Wife Number 1.  The C word I think about her isn't "Catholic" --not even close.

More later. I have to get some Lexapro and some sleep, in that order!

It's all about listening to your inner voice.

But mostly, your inner voice should be talking about your hair.  I'm not even going to tell you how hard it was for us to lay low, Diary, while THE DONALD BALLOON floated over head.  Newtie said we should just be quiet and work the phones for more money, because no one was going to give Donald Trump a campaign contribution, (Duh!) and we really need the cash if we're going to fly first class through April of next year, when the winner-take-all contests start.

I knew, Diary, that The Donald would never make it as a candidate, because of his hair.

I just want to show Newtie's hair, because.  Compare THIS to the image of The Donald's combover that, I'm sure Diary, you and the rest of America have burned in your brain

Love his hair!!!!!!

So I have to tell you, Diary, that I've had some disagreeabilities with the consultant Newtie and I hired for the exploratory phase of the campaign.  

I told this consultant about my diary efforts.  He took a long sip of coffee and then looked at me and said, "That sounds like an excellent project for you, Callie.  Let me just stipulate that nowhere on your little blog is my name to appear, ever.  Otherwise I say go for it!"   I'm actually thinking of changing my perfume for the sake of our consultant, because every time we meet with him and I start gesturing my ideas he closes his eyes and pinches the top of his nose like it's either allergies or sinus.  I really don't dislike the guy and hate the idea that my signature scent is affecting his breathing.  

And while I can't post his name, he didn't say I couldn't post a picture of his "salt-and-pepper with a lily pad in front" hair.  Enough said.

You might think I'm being shallow and mean, Diary, but honestly this guy sometimes does not take me seriously.  I had a very good idea in our last meeting with him about the early primaries and caucuses.   I said we should pretty much skip Iowa and New Hampshire and spend most of our efforts in South Carolina, and then very business-like, I outlined three reasons that I had written down in advance in preparation to be ready:

A,  the white Republican male voter (Newt's favorite and vice-versa!), and also the weather there, are very reliable,

B, I can network with other political videographers at a much wider variety of privately-owned clubs, and

C, fundraising plus golf equals money, hello!

This consultant, who I will make up a blog name for later, looked at Newt for a really long time after I presented my plan.   Then NEWT thanked me!  As if I need to hear the words "thank you" from him!  Newtie's thank yous come in a robin's egg blue box, thank YOU very much, "Chad".

I guess I'm stuck with having to go along and get along.  Newtie says "we're lucky to have this guy.  He left an unpaid internship at The Heritage Foundation to be here, and he's only working for a percentage of the take, which is really pretty sweet, given what happened to Hillary."  Well, YEAH!   I guess that's putting a happy face on it, that we aren't in a position like the current State secretary to loan ourselves millions of dollars, huh.  I wonder if that's a business loss write-off.  When this campaign is over, I'm sending Mrs. C. the name of my stylist, because I  really do care what our country looks like to the rest of the world.  Loving America is my full-time job, even though these days it feels like my full-time job is tracking down Richard Mellon Scaife, LOL!    Back to the Blackberry!

A Project in the works!

I've been thinking, Diary, about what I can do after my stint as America's First Lady, or, you know, maybe sooner, if need be.  The perfect thing would be for me to go one better than both that Sarah Palin AAAAND Michelle Obama in one grand show!

So I'm thinking my own TLC cooking show: creating sweet calorie-rich foods...wait for it... in the homes of big Republican donors!

Imagine!

A Reagan Cake for Rupert Murdoch.

Bar-B-Que Meatballs for Richard Mellon Scaife (if anyone has his cellphone number please please please text me!)

Bread Pudding a' la Newt for the Kochs.


Betcha I can get way better ratings on TLC than Miz Holly Moose Hunter.   And I'll also show Mrs. 'Let's Get Moving' (I mean, she needs to 'move' her behind to some Brazilian Butt Lift surgery stat) that real First Ladies don't eat 'healthy', because DUH they don't eat.   And hello prime time, I'm two years younger than both of them, with no embarrassing stretch marks to cover, so I can do a nice two-piece for the Donor Bundling Luau Season Finale!!!

Callista's Kitchen Rule Number One:  Cook to impress people who can write you checks, but never put anything in your mouth that makes you fat.

Just like old times!

Okay okay I DID get under the desk when Newtie and I were alone in the Speaker's chamber, just for a minute for old times' sake AS A JOKE!!!  We hardly had time for him to give into my core principles before he had to give his speech to the Freshman Class of 2010.  (Yes, that's a POLITICO link they've been sooo nice lately I want them to have ALL the props.)

But enough about that -- it was like old times but then again it was kind of NOT.  And Newtie didn't want to think about the parts after like the resignation and the fines and how Tom Delay went on Dancing with the Stars and is now out on probation.  A while ago I told Newtie I don't even remember what Tom did wrong and Newtie said "well Tom is a sumbitch but he's one of us, ha ha" and then he wanted to play Drill Here.    

Note to self:  I wonder if Tom could get us in touch with T. Boone Pickens.

_______

One other thing diary.  I'm keeping tabs on the other spouses in the so-called campaign and OMG can you BUHlieve what Mrs. Haley Barbour said!

(CNN)- The wife of Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour says she is "horrified" that her husband is seriously considering a bid for the presidency.

In an interview with CNN affiliate WLOX in Biloxi, Marsha Barbour admitted the "overwhelming" task of a presidential run is something she may not quite be ready for.

"It's been a lot to be first lady of the state of Mississippi and this would be 50 times bigger," she said. "It's a huge sacrifice for a family to make."

The governor is still testing the waters of a potential bid for the 2012 Republican nomination and has made no formal announcement regarding his intentions.

But Marsha Barbour revealed she is wary of a 10-year commitment she believes would accompany a presidential run - and, presumably, two terms in office - during "the last part of our productive lives."

Despite her hesitation, Barbour said that the final decision is up to her husband.
"That's a commitment that I am praying about," she said.

"And if God and Haley decide to do it, I'm sure God will give me strength to be a good partner."

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.  

There are just a few important things a political wife needs to open her mouth for.   Pie-holing with CNN  about God's decisions isn't one of them.  

Also, the idea that it takes a lot to be the First Lady of Mississippi?  It obviously takes a lot of EATING, but beyond that you really can't complain, girlfriend.   

Trust me, all Marsha "big ol' girl" Barbour really needs to get through a 2012 campaign is a tummy tuck and six weeks on Vicodin.  If Newtie weren't "running," I'd try to call her.    But sometimes, Diary, I'm too nice a person, and it gets me in trouble.  

Managing almost-a-campaign is hard!

Best Idea EVER.  CPAC had a "get your picture taken with The Gipper" photo booth!  It looks so real.  I wish Reince Priebus would answer his phone every once in a while, I would tell him to put one at the Republican Convention.  He really could use some advice on how to honor Reagan more at these things, it's pathetic.  I mean, I would let the RNC run my documentary, Ronald Reagan, Rendevous with Destiny at a very reduced rate.

As you know, Diary, I'm acting as Newtie's kind of campaign manager, and it's been so hard.  Social media is just as bad as mainstream media.  First, my twitter account, MrsGingrich3, got deleted because Twitter said I was impersonating a celebrity, hellooo!  All I did was give advice to some twitter girlfriend that if she fell off her chair laughing at my twitter feed, she should stay down there until her husband said get up, because there might be some jewelry in it for her.   Professing is NOT the same as impersonating, TwitterFail!

And just to show you I know what I'm talking about, here's a sample tweet:

Yes, the URL shop.newt.org was my idea.  #winning, duh!

And then Newtie deleted some old tweets, I mean why keep around reminders about Easter Candy and how fat Newtie used to be?  Besides, it's a matter of privacy.   The eggs I give and don't give to Newtie are 100% between me and Jenny Craig, and twitter can just stay out of it.

Newtie suggested we just go off of Twitter all together but I think it's like sort of running for President: it's kind of a pain, sure, but there is long-term marketing potential in it.  Besides, you can't be a leader without having lots of followers.  Over a million three, and that doesn't count Gingrich  Espanol, which was not my idea, but whatever.

Followup:  Great news!  We're back on Twitter, yay!

What a life!

I'll never forget high school except I don't remember Seamus Puch at all. Cheri tried to kiss me senior year, I'm sure she's all about forced same sex unions now. As if that should be shoved down everyone's throat! Well, Cindi McCain says it should, but she's got Hollywood friends.

I'm posting this photo because I really think it's important to set the record straight that from the time I started seeing Newtie in 2004 it was me all the way. Certain so-called reporters want to say that he was seeing me "on the side" while he "publicly reconciled" with wife number two as he became Speaker of the House. Hellooo! If there was anything EXTRA-marital going on it was that extra wife of his. Even then I was known around the Hill as Newtie's "frequent breakfast companion." Can I help it if the love Newtie and I had for each other didn't fit our party's much-needed message of family values? Trust me, I converted Newtie to the Catholic faith as quickly as I could. And once you're a Catholic, it just doesn't matter how much you quote unquote "sin." That's what I always told Newtie and eventually he bought it, good for me and good for his immortal soul!

This was taken a few months before our marriage. Well, obviously, since after we got married I put a stop to his static sock cling, duh! We didn't have time before this party for any "Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less" or I would have noticed it. Also obviously this was taken after Newtie had divorced HER. Honestly, what kind of woman talks to Esquire, anyway? Isn't that a magazine for MEN? I'd say she was in that "funny joke from a beautiful woman" but number one, you've seen her, Diary, and number two, she isn't funny.

Quick reply to Minnie in Ames: Yes, that is me on the audiobook of "Drill Here." And yes it was a hoot.

Balancing work and rest on the campaign trail

Travelling is hard, especially SO far from home as Iowa. Iowa. Tne other day one of Newtie's interns made a joke about Green Acres and for a minute I wanted to pretend I was too young to remember that show, but then I realized it was important to clear the air on that mistake. "I don't like New York City," I said. I guess they see me now and think I must be all penthouse apartments and mink coats, but honestly, if any of those interns knew how I actually lived during the time when Newtie was Speaker, they would be shocked. Cramped and debt-ridden doesn't begin to describe it. That's why it's so important that we balance the campaign fundraising with knowing that it isn't actually a campaign yet. No point in putting that flea-ridden FEC horse behind the cart. It really is time to get the government out of the election process.

Finally found an esthetican out here, and when I found out the ONLY double certified doctor in ALL of Des Moines (really) is a Doctor Koch, I laughed and laughed. Newtie laughed, too, for a minute... and then he was on the phone with David for a couple minutes and hung right up. "No relation," Newtie said. "We'll bill it to the production company as usual."

I really like Doctor Koch. He totally understands that it's up to the patient as well as the doctor if we're going to have a successful facial journey. He is all about telling Newtie that I must pamper myself and be pampered after the office visit, and that RELAXATION is the most important aspect of a successful recovery! Also, I can't wear those St. John blouses or anything I pull over my head for six weeks. Relaxation, duh!

But quite frankly, it's hard to relax in Iowa. You know I went to college here, and I'm always afraid I'll bump into one of the basketball players from my alma mater. That party in the back of the away game bus is something I wouldn't want to get out, even though it was a bunch of us girls who did it, and we won the game, duh! It was good times and frankly, that center guard taught me most of what I know about relaxing my neck muscles, which sure is coming in handy during my post-office visit R and R. I seriously doubt I could swallow the pills if it wasn't for visualization.

Ralph Reed: A Girl's Best Friend

From last September:




So today we're once again in Iowa, and I still haven't written down how nice it was to meet up with Ralphie Reed. He and Newt have a lot of history together; he's such a sweet guy and really a great dresser.

Okay, Diary, I'm gonna bare it here: Ralph was the one who pulled me aside to advise me to change my clothes and hair a couple years ago. "Callie honey," he said, "you're an eleven dressing like a six. No one would ever know you're from Virginia."

At first I was really offended, but when he looked at me with his son-of-a-preacherman eyes, I knew immediately that he had been praying about this. So I listened. "Callie, there's a saying in the lobbying world: If you're gonna do the time, do the crime. If you're gonna be the red hot sexy blonde who's turned Newt Gingrich's visage to Rome, then for heaven's sake BE it. Own it, girlfriend! Even His Holiness wears red shoes!!!"

He took me shopping the next day (but I didn't buy red shoes because, you know, I aspire to be in a higher class of people than she aspires to be in, honestly!) and introduced me at lunch to his esthetician, Doctor Hakki. Really really nice. He has that Omar Sharif look to him, you know? Later I went to Dr. Hakki's office to begin a new facial journey but I want to make it clear, diary that I did not do the Brazilian Butt Lift, "full on the inside and tight on the outside" YET. I'm only 45, for crying out loud!

I'm so glad Ralph introduced me to Dr. Hakki. He was really great about working around my taping schedule for "America at Risk".

Awkward!

It's true I don't like going on O'Reilly Factor.  I always ask Hannity to send his hairdresser,  Kenney, to come over and do my hair.  BillO's hair guy Philipe was the one who, at the Kennedy Center Honors dinner, kept taking snapshots of all the wives while Bill would get in the shot and pretend to be doing something naughty behind them.  DISgusting.

I'm in a tizzy over these morality questions when Newtie ISN'T on FOX, even though Newtie says not to worry, they'll be over soon enough.  I told him I thought the whole world should be grateful I didn't stand up and tell them exactly how much I LOVE AMERICA.  How hard I have worked!  I've sacrificed more than rug burns on my knees for this country, I can tell you.  Six and a half years, hellooo!  And anyhow, what part of "the Pope said marrying your very devout Catholic mistress is fully approved by the Holy Roman See" do they not understand?  Cardinal Law's signature and everything, sheesh!

It WAS a bit awkward between Bill and Newtie after the interview, though.  Bill commented that my hair looked really nice, nothing out of place, and then he sighed under his breath "too bad."  Newtie smiled and made that little chuckle he does when he doesn't really think something is funny, and then told Bill he was hoping for a little snack before the interview, and did Bill know if there was any falafel in the green room?   Bill stood up, and I could see his cheeks got just a bit red under his significant pancake makeup.  He put his face down to my hear and said so Newtie could hear, "stay healthy, Callie."  and walked over to Mister Ailes. We didn't want to be in that conversation so we left.  There are actually days I wish I could wrinkle my brow a little bit, especially after Mr. Ailes picked the two CATHOLICS, Newtie and Rick, to leave the network.  What is up with that?

Anyhoo, after the Factor interview we went home and went over finances.

We're between a rock and a hard place.  No money currently coming in from FOX, and if we go at the campaign for real, we have to tell those pests at the Federal Election thingy every little project we're involved in.  As if!

Also, fundraising in Iowa is such a joke.  It's like they're all poor or something, and yet they think they are so entitled to every minute of our time!  I haven't had time for a single Restalyne shot, as if I could even find one down here on the farm.

Thank goodness Newtie figured out that we could self-insure through Gingrich Productions and write the whole medical thing off.  Like I was gonna pay Cobra or shell out actual dollars for my Lexapro?  Still have to do battle with the pharmacist at the Council Bluffs Walgreens, but once I've got an actual Blue Cross number, that should "chill her right out." as Newtie's daughter says (mistaken for twins all the time!).

Welcome, fellow freedom lovers!

Lunch with Cindy today.  She wants me to do a NOH8 campaign but Newtie doesn't like the tape across the mouth look on me.

After lunch [news flash:  A Pink Lady without the grenadine won't stain your dental work] we shopped and exchanged safewords.  Cindy lied and said hers was "fiscal responsibility."  BFF!  Cracks me up.

So I told her I was going to make mine "Reagan" but you can't make a safe word something that gets your partner MORE excited, duh!   Sometimes when I want to get Newtie in the mood all I have to DO is say "liberty."

Anyway, after much consideration, we just made my safeword "Ginny Thomas."  Cindy said, "After Clarence's wife?  Oh yeah, that'll put an end to the fun time."  LOL!